How Self-Worth is Like an Instagram Filter

You know how on Instagram, you can put different filters on?  Some make you look fantastic.  Others can make you look ridiculous or hideous.  Have you noticed how long you take to admire the “good” filters, and how quickly you swipe away, often with a shudder and sound of disgust, when you see the “bad” filters?  This is pretty similar to how we see ourselves as people.  Not the physical looks, but the Self.  The whole person.

We want to see ourselves as good.  And sometimes we do.  At times, we filter out the bad and see only a beautiful, shining human when we consider our Selves.  Some of us do this more often than others, having an easier time of it.  Some of us have a hard time sharing a selfie on social media WITHOUT a filter that lends improvement to our looks; just as we may have a hard time showing anyone our darker, uglier, more broken sides.  

Narcissists deny there’s any sort of filter to begin with, proclaiming to everyone around them that “Yes, I’m just that good.”  Their sense of Self is so BIG that they can’t see the filter at all, and they have lost touch with reality.  These people are unhealthy and often make others unhealthy.

Then there are those of us who seem to always have the filter stuck on “ugly” when we look at our Selves.  “Gross,” we think.  “Who could admire THAT?”  Sometimes, we are absolutely convinced that this is what we truly look like.  And it’s just as delusional as those of us that only see ourselves with a “good” filter on.

Codependent people have such a SMALL sense of self that they, too, can’t recognize they are seeing themselves through a filter.  Like narcissists, these people are also unhealthy, and can likewise make others around them unhealthy.

So what DOES healthy look like?  Imagine you could create a magic selfie that reflected how you looked on every individual day, combined into one shot.  Every bad hair day.  Every prom night.  Every scintillating picture at the club, and every stomach-turning picture of hungover-you the next morning.  A FULL picture of you with all the goods and bads at once.  Pretty hard to imagine.  Instead, we look in the mirror or at the selfie and we see how we appear on any given day.  If we want it to be more accurate, we can overlay a mental “truth” filter, which I call a “Yeah, but…” statement.  

You look good one day?  You say, “Damn, I look good!  But there are other days I’ll look like crap.  (And that’s A-Ok, too.)”  You hate a picture you took of yourself?  Wait!  Before you delete it, do the “Yeah, but…” statement here, too!  “Ugh.  I look like crap.  But oh well.  I know I can clean up pretty good at other times.  (And I like who I am, just the same.)”

Often, especially when we feel like our filter is stuck on “ugly mode”, we may meet someone who thinks we are awesome.  We might get to see how we look through their eyes, and it can feel really good!  It can help us like ourselves more, the longer we are with them.  Warning!  Here is where we can become dependent on another person in an unhealthy way… if we can only see ourselves through the “good” filter when we are involved with them… but when they leave, we revert back into our “ugly” self, we are headed for trouble. 

So how can we work on being healthy around others?  Remember to take time apart.  Take time to yourself.  This is like a good, long, hard stare in the mirror.  It’s especially hard for us to do on a rough day when we aren’t looking our best.  But time alone, apart from others, and off of social media, helps us evaluate ourselves more accurately.  

Try looking at the person in the mirror as if they were any other random human on the planet.  Try to observe yourself with curiosity, and without judgement.  When you do, you may notice some new acne spots, sure.  But if you keep moving your scrutiny around in a balanced way, you can also notice how your eyes have about five different shades of color.  Or that your freckles have appeared in your family members going back multiple generations.  

The real us can’t be captured in a filter.  It can’t even be captured without a filter at only one moment in time.  Our real Selves are complex.  We are ugly.  Selfish.  Brutal.  We are also loving.  Beautiful. Precious.  If you notice you are stuck on just one of those words, then you need to step back and notice that there’s a filter on.