White-Girl Walkabout, Part Two: What Am I Thinking?! No Seriously…

“Are you really even considering this??  Flying to Ohio??  Briana, you are LITERALLY a ‘blue-haired liberal’- and a woman!  Flying alone to a RED state?!  Airports are federal space- and the federal government is doing some pretty scary things in that space.  People with a legally-recognized right to be here are being deported to overseas prisons.  People are being ‘violently interrogated’ at airports.  Yes, you’re white. You’re a US citizen… maybe you are ‘safe’… but without access to due process, government officials could say you did, well, just about anything, and you’d have no way to prove you didn’t.

And for what??  You’re doing that codependent thing again, aren’t you??  You want to go rescue your friend so you can feel like a hero.  So they will love you and never leave you, and you KNOW that’s not healthy!  He’s not going to even want your help.  Then what?  Then sad Briana is crying in a hotel room feeling like an idiot, and stuck there for a week.  That’s what.”  (“Thank you so much for ‘helping’, Anxiety,” I groaned to myself.)

***Therapy Skill in Action: Honestly Examining Motivations, Seeking Healthy Mirrors, Using ‘AND’***

One of the best things about my marriage is that my husband is ALSO a therapist.  Not gonna lie, it is so damn convenient sometimes.  He sees my flaws and merits, and he doesn’t hesitate to call out unhealthy behavior.  So I knew that Dan would keep me honest as I navigated my thought process.  But to be thorough, I also discussed my thoughts with one of my therapists, and with my AI therapy journal (which I love, by the way, check it out).  My processing went like this:

“I need to first own that I have a history of codependence.  I’ve done a LOT of work on that front, but recovery work is forever.  There probably ARE some unhealthy undercurrents at work.  AND that is one of my motivations for doing this.  I want to test myself, and see if I can demonstrate growth to myself.  I may fail miserably.  I think it probably will be hard.  AND I still want to do this.

I am living in fear from news headlines.  It’s effecting how I navigate my life, even keeping me from choosing vacation spots that require air travel.  I hate it.  I do NOT want to put myself in a scary situation.  AND that is why I think I need to do this.  I need to go to other places that might be outside of my current comfort zone and see for myself just how scary things are (or aren’t!)

I haven’t done many things like this totally on my own, at least not in a long while.  I’ve built a decent network of supports, but sometimes I rely to heavily on my closest people.  I need to remind myself how strong and brave I can be.”

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***Therapy Skill in Action: Recognizing Fears and Limitations, Creating Backup Plans***

I accepted the very real sense of fear that I felt, and evaluated each fear individually.  It was time to begin planning.

Fear: I go to Ohio.  Fred refuses help.  I feel sad, stupid, and lonely. Plan: I have other friends out in Ohio.  Probably even more than Fred does.  I reached out to a couple friends to let them know I’d be in the area; that I was going through a bit of a challenging time, and would they be able to hang out, or be a shoulder to cry on, if I needed it?  The friends I choose are solid, and honest.  Mike said “I won’t be able to hang out, I’m so sorry!  I’m swamped with work!” But I still knew I could call him if I was in crisis.  Jenny said “Oh honey!  I have hugs waiting for you!!”  Plan Forecast: Solid plan.  Self-Talk: Good job, me.

Fear: Fred reaches out, accepts help.  BUT I won’t be able to maintain healthy boundaries with Fred, and we will get sidetracked into interpersonal drama, and my visit makes things even WORSE! Plan: I will be very clear with Fred that there is no pressure to accept help at all.  I will tell him the specific actions I can help with (some housekeeping, helping him sort out a wallet-draining rental problem, help brainstorm creative solutions for longer-term challenges).  I will tell him what I can emotionally handle and what I can’t from our connection during this week.  I will expect him to do the same. Plan Forecast: Eh… still a bit dicey…  could be very challenging knowing how my emotions can give me challenges.  And part of this plan depends on Fred who I definitely cannot control.  Self-Talk: You are going to do your best.  You might fail.  You might have to emotionally pick yourself up, use your coping skills right in the moment, and re-attempt the behaviors of healthy connection.  You also might succeed and totally rock it.  Can you handle the risk?  Yes? Let’s do this thing!

Fear: One bajillion things will go wrong with travel!  Up to AND including scary people capturing me because they hate that I disagree with their beliefs!  I never get to see my family again!  I get killed!  Oh, but I’m a woman, so I ALSO get raped before that! Self-Talk Interjection: Whoa whoa whoa!  Deeeeeep breaths there, first and foremost.  Keep that pre-frontal cortex fully online, as much as possible.  You’ll have your phone.  No pepper spray on the plane, obviously.  Think you can get some when you get to Dayton? Good.  Eyes alert at all times while traveling, but also make plans to find little pockets of “safe space” to recharge.  Keep hydrated, eat healthy food.  Make sure you get your rest. Plan: I’ll have to take the journey step-by-step, often pivoting and planning in the moment. Plan Forecast: Non-existent…  can’t forecast a plan that doesn’t exist!  But we can get good rest before the trip, pack some pleasant, distracting things to do, and bring good nutrition-filled snacks so that brain and body are ready for the unexpected. Self-Talk: Ok, so there’s no comprehensive plan for this one.  It’s BIG.  It’s SCARY.  But let’s also consider that at least some of this fear may be unfounded.  These things aren’t guaranteed to happen.  Let’s keep in mind that you have a good brain, as long as you keep it functional.  Let’s reflect on past successes.  Let’s also fast forward to a future where you did it, you succeeded, and you are feeling so much stronger and happier! Eye on the prize.  That future is worth working towards.

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