Philosophies in Parenting, Part 1: The Problem with Kids These Days... Is NOT The Kids.

Here we go, parents... (cracks knuckles in anticipation of the hate mail)... Ready? The problem with kids these days is the adults in their lives. And society. Which is run, primarily, by adults.

Ahem, before we get started, let me put my disclaimer here: parenting, teaching, hell, even just existing as a human being in this day and age is HARD. I don't sit in a glass house throwing stones. I've been there too. My own child does not have perfect parents. Because there is NO SUCH THING as a perfect parent. Yup. That means you aren't perfect either.

I'm going to take a moment to rant about my weekend, and then we can dig into how we can all do better for our kids.

Case Study: Saturday Night

With all the divisiveness that's going on in the world, I decided to make an effort to counter that mentality by attending some town concerts this past weekend. Overall, it's a great environment and opportunity for people to come together with others in their community, though I was seriously questioning this by the end of my weekend.

Sitting around a firepit at a local orchard and enjoying a live band, my son and nephew came running over and plopped down to recount a recent run-in they had with some local children- and their parents.

My son shared, "These kids were throwing rocks at us! So I finally picked up a plastic ball and threw it at one of them. And their parents told us off!" (The other children were about 8 years old. The children in my care were 11 and 13.)

"What? Did they know their kids had been throwing rocks at you guys?"

"Yeah! They knew! And they said 'Well, you're older. You should know better!' And one mom did this--" He demonstrated the threat gesture that says "Watch it. I have my eye on you!", pointing to both his eyes and pointing at me with a glare on his face.

"So then what happened?"

He and his cousin began to laugh, "I made a silly, stupid face at them like this!" He performed his silliness. The kids and the adults all laughed and I told him "Well done. I'm glad that you had each other. Those adults were wrong to behave that way towards you. Do you need me to support you in any other way?"

"No, it's fine," he said. And we continued to enjoy our night.

Now. You MIGHT be thinking that I'm as much of a hypocrite as the other parents, condoning my own child throwing an object. Not really. Overall, I'm really not "pro kids hurting each other". I am, however, "pro letting children experience healthy risk-taking and natural consequences of their actions". Our children gain increased confidence and learn important lessons when they experience natural consequences of their actions. And when lessons are learned in childhood with the support of nearby adults (read: not full-on rescuing) , this knowledge will guide our children's actions when the stakes are much higher in adulthood. That is now established as scientific fact. (Read The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt for a comprehensive summary of worldwide studies spanning a generation.)

Children push boundaries, and although they have been told things like "do not throw rocks," they need to test those rules as they explore the world. When parents protect their "angels" from natural consequences, what it teaches is "OTHER people should not throw rocks. But it's OK if I do it because my caretakers will always rescue me." Now fast forward with those children to adulthood and see what their interpersonal relationships are like as full-fledged narcissists. Or they have anxiety complexes because they do not know how to function in the world if their caretakers are not there to do the hard things for them. It's not pretty, and I guarantee you, they are not truly happy.

I'll also add here that the old "You're older, you should know better" really only applies when the younger child is an infant. I grew up with it, too. All it did was teach my sister and I that her bad behavior was forgivable, while mine was not. By the time our children turn two, they begin to learn that actions have consequences. From a place of love, we begin to firmly say "NO. Biting is NOT ok!" And as good parents, we begin to apply healthy consequences that fit the crime. "If you bite your sister again, I will pick you up and take you away from her to have a time out (usually one minute per year of age). When I put you back with her, if you do it again, the same thing will happen." We parent with love and firm-but-fair consequences.

By the time my own son was age 8, he was not throwing rocks at other children. He had learned by then that actions have natural consequences. If he had thrown rocks as a young child and come to me crying when another child threw something back, here's how it would have gone. Initially, and INTERNALLY, my maternal instincts would be raging to attack anyone who dared to harm my child. Thankfully, my prefrontal cortex is more evolved, and my actions would be different. I would have first: validated his pain, then: implemented a supportive talk about consequences. Like so: "Oh honey! Come here, what happened? Tell me all about it!" Then: "I can see that you are hurt and sad and angry. I can understand that. I'm so sorry that happened." (Again, sorry pain was caused to a child. Not sorry he experienced a healthy consequence!) Then, showing curiosity and empathy, and allowing my child to process the experience: "Did we learn something from this?" Followed by an explanation if not. Not a lecture, but a conversation, inviting my child to utilize critical thinking: "It sounds like when we throw rocks at other kids, they will get angry and sometimes throw things back. Do you think that's what could have happened? Would you have done anything differently?"

In healthy parenting, this is most often done at preschool play dates, or in kindergarten when children are first learning to navigate peer relationships outside of the home. But with siblings, it can happen earlier than that. Parenting is tiring, but be wary of the "short cuts" such as always siding with your youngest child against the eldest. You rack up a bill that often comes due for you and your child in adolescence or young adulthood, perhaps even the rest of their lives.